Metal Gear: The Rock Opera
by SamandMax
Summary: Snake creates a Rock Opera based on Metal Gear Solid, and you get to see it!


Metal Gear: The Rock Opera  
  
Snake: Hello, I'm Snake. You may recognize me as the guy who stole the Popemobile, and the guy that starred in the hit teen movie "Alcohol Academy", where I played the character 'Barfy'. Now, a lot of people have been sending me letters saying such stuff like "Hey ugly, when are you going to make a rock opera? P.S You're so ugly!", or "Hey, you should make a rock opera." I've been getting a lot of letters like that...2 to be exact, so I decided to make a rock opera about Metal Gear Solid, entitled Metal Gear Rock. And since I'm such a non-evil guy, I decided I'd let you watch the making of the rock opera. So, without further ado, let's get down to business.  
  
Part 1: The Songs are Written  
  
Snake: Oh, hello. I'm here with my good friend, John Deville, who'll write the music to go along with my lyrics.  
  
John: Hi.  
  
Snake: Ok John. The song that starts the opera is entitled "Snake's Banjo Breakdown".  
  
John: Hahaha, good one. Ok, what's the real song.  
  
Snake: That is the real song.  
  
John: Dear god.  
  
Snake: Ok, here's the lyrics. "Breakdown, I play my banjo, shakedown, I hit you with my banjo." And I repeat those over and over again while I do this huge wicked awsome banjo solo.  
  
John: Do you know how to play banjo?  
  
Snake: No. But I figure I can learn, I mean, I learned how to play a Kazoo in a few days, why not a banjo.  
  
John: Well, I guess I could write the huge solo you play. Do you have any idea how you want it to sound?  
  
Snake: Yeah. I want it to sound rocktacular, but it also has to be pretty sexy. Something that punches you in the face with harshness, and then gently rubs your head with beauty. And there should be lots of flames shooting out of my banjo, wicked awsome flames.  
  
John: How am I supposed to make flames shoot out of your banjo, I just write music.  
  
Snake: Just shut up and make the flames.  
  
Day 2 of Song Writing  
  
Snake: Ok, the next song is a romantic song between Otacon and Sniper Wolf. It's called "Bullet of Love".  
  
John: Well, at least it doesn't involve banjos.  
  
Snake: Actually it does.  
  
John: Oh...well, what are the lyrics?  
  
Snake: Ahem. "I shot you with a bullet of love, and now you're bleeding out love. You need to see a love doctor, because you're dying of love."  
  
John: Maybe you shouldn't use the word 'Love' so much.  
  
Snake: Maybe you should shut up.  
  
John: Do you put any effort into these lyrics at all?  
  
Snake: These lyrics are like my babies, so if you're saying I don't put any effort into my lyrics, then you're saying I'm a negligent father, like that guy who fed his kids sawdust.  
  
John: Now you're just rambling and ranting!  
  
Snake: Oh yeah, well you suck!  
  
Day 8 of Song Writing  
  
Snake: Ok, so now I've hired a new song writer, Harry Donovan.  
  
Harry: Hello.  
  
Snake: Ok Harry, we're going to make the rockingest song of this rock opera. It's called "Evil Brother of Mine". The lyrics go like this "You're such an evil brother, I should'a smothered when I had the chance, now I dance dance dance!"  
  
Harry: Wow. Pure genius.  
  
Snake: Yeah I know. When I showed them to my last song writer, John, he went psycho and tried to impale me with a sword.  
  
Harry: Now that's rude.  
  
Snake: I know, so I shot him.  
  
Harry: You shot him?  
  
Snake: Yeah. In the face.  
  
Harry: Was he hurt?  
  
Snake: What am I, a doctor?  
  
Harry: Uhhhh....I have to go. My house is on fire.  
  
Snake: How do you know?  
  
Harry: Look at the time, I have to go. *Leaps out of the nearby window.  
  
Snake: He could've asked to use the door.  
  
Part 2: Hiring the Actors  
  
Snake: Well, since all my song writers either quit or jumped out my window, I wrote all the lyrics and music myself. Now all I need to do is cast the rock opera.  
  
Burt Reynolds: Hi, I'm Burt Reynolds, I'm trying out for the part of Snake.  
  
Snake: Get the hell out of here, Reynolds. I'll give you tell the count of three.  
  
Burt: B-But I need a job!  
  
Snake: 1...3 *Shoots Burt Reynolds  
  
Sean Connery: Hi, I'm famous Scottish actor Sean Connery.  
  
Snake: Oh man, I loved you in that movie, Ghostbusters. You were great as Slimer.  
  
Sean: Uhhhh....yeah. Well, I'm trying out for the part of Ocelot.  
  
Snake: You're hired, You don't even need to try out. Anybody that can play Slimer can play Ocelot.  
  
Sean: You do know I'm not Slimer.  
  
Snake: You're not Slimer!?  
  
Sean: No.  
  
Snake: Get out.  
  
Sean: B-But!  
  
Snake: Get the **** out of this **** theatre, you ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ****** and sporks!  
  
Day 2 of Casting  
  
Snake: Well, this hasn't been going good. So far, I've turned down everyone that has tried out.  
  
Christoper Walken: Hello, I'm Chris Walken.  
  
Snake: Are you Slimer?  
  
Christoper: No.  
  
Snake: Get Out.  
  
Christopher: I was in Kangaroo Jack.  
  
Snake: YOU WERE!  
  
Christopher: Yes.  
  
Snake: Ok, you're hired.  
  
Christopher: I didn't know anyone liked Kangaroo Jack.  
  
Snake: I love Kangaroo Jack, I want him to have my babies!  
  
Christopher: Uhhh....ok....that's a little weird.  
  
Snake: Shut up and dance.  
  
Christopher: What dance?  
  
Snake: DANCE!  
  
Part 3: The Opera Debuts  
  
*The Stage is black and silent. Suddenly, there's a loud engine roaring, and Snake drives on the stage on a motorcycle. He stops in the middle of the stage, and pulls out a banjo. A bunch of tough looking criminals surround him.*  
  
Criminal: Hey punk, you're in our neighborhood.  
  
Snake: So?  
  
Criminal #2: We don't like strangers.  
  
Snake: What're you going do about it?  
  
Criminal: Well, I think there's something we can do...  
  
*The criminals reach into their pockets, and pull out switchblades. Just as it looks like they're going to stab Snake, they take apart the switchblades, and make banjos with them.*  
  
All Criminals: LET'S BANJO!  
  
*Everyone on stage begins to play their banjos, while huge flames shot out of them and Snake screams out "Breakdown, I play my banjo, shakedown, I hit you with my banjo." repeatedly. Finally, it ends.*  
  
Criminal: Wow stranger, you're good. Who are you?  
  
Snake: I'm...*looks towards the audience* Snake.  
  
ACT 2: Colonel's Van  
  
*Snake is sitting in the back of Colonel's Van. Colonel sits across from him, holding a folder that says 'Top Secret'.*  
  
Colonel: Snake...we've got a problem...An extreme problem.  
  
Snake: I'm not in the business anymore Colonel, I'm retired.  
  
Colonel: I don't give a Fig Newton what you are, we need you Snake! We need you with a vengeance!  
  
Snake: I don't know Colonel...What if there's extreme danger on the island? Not even my extreme vengeance would be able to save me.  
  
Colonel: I don't care what you think Snake, I just want to rock.  
  
*Colonel leaps up, and pulls a guitar out of his abnormally large pants. He begins to do a huge guitar solo, while Snake repeatedly screams out 'Rock out!". Finally, midgets jump out from backstage and begin singing a song entitled "Rockula", for no apparent reason.*  
  
ACT 3: Arrival on the Island  
  
Snake: Colonel, I'm on the island.  
  
Colonel: Good. I thought those vampire midgets would rock us to death.  
  
Snake: Ha. I laugh at vampire midgets.  
  
Colonel: Don't get too cocky Snake, you're in for much bigger dangers. I just got word that a huge blast of rocking out gas was shot towards you. If this rocking out gas hits you, it'll make you rock out.  
  
*A piece of paper with the words 'Rock Out' flies out from backstage and hits Snake in the head.*  
  
Snake: Must...Rock...Out!  
  
*Snake begins to sing his song 'I Rock', which consists of him screaming "You suck, I rock"!" while doing a strange jig while a huge inflatable dummy of the devil floats behind him. The song finally ends with Snake rocking the devil to death.*  
  
Colonel: Snake, are you ok?  
  
Snake: Don't worry Colonel, I'm rockerific. And satan's dead, my awsomeness defeated him.  
  
Colonel: Hurry Snake, Metal Gear's going to be taking off soon! Taking off with extreme vengeance.  
  
ACT 4: METAL GEAR  
  
*Snake enters the stage, where a huge metal gear rests along the wall.*  
  
Snake: So this is Metal Gear.  
  
Colonel: Snake, be careful. I detect high quantities of rock out gas in the air there.  
  
Snake: Too late Colonel, I FEEL LIKE ROCKING!  
  
*Snake pushes over Metal Gear, and begins dancing around the stage with Metal Gear's robotic head on a stick. The vampire midgets walk on stage, and them and Snake begin singing a song about the true meaning of Christmas. Right at the end, Snake pulls out a rocket launcher, and shoots the midget vampires, and dances off stage.*  
  
Colonel: Good night everyone, WE HOPE YOU ROCKED OUT!  
  
*The giant inflatable devil floats back up to the stage, while the song 'She Blinded me with Science' plays in the background, and huge lasers shoot across the theatre. Christopher Walken flies on the stage riding Slimer, shouting out "Merry Christmas, Suckers!".*  
  
PART 4: And the rest...  
  
Snake: And so, that was Metal Gear Rock, the musical version of Metal Gear Solid, something I'm extremely proud of. Now, to show you how well recieved the musical was, here are some snippets of reviews for it.  
  
"Demonic Vampires? Rock Out Gas? Banjo Breakdown? Someone please, explain." - Daily New Mexican  
  
"Should not be called 'Metal Gear Rock', but 'Metal Gear Suck'. Plus, the actors smelled funny." - New Hampshire Sun  
  
"Snake, you sad sad man." - Washington Post  
  
"Sir Slimer and Christoper Walken? Are you drunk? Why are you doing this? I can see Christoper Walken, he did Kangaroo Jack, but Slimer? Slimer, you're a king!" - Boston Herald  
  
"Crud." - New York Times  
  
Snake: So, I hope you enjoyed the rock opera. I think it rocked with extreme vengeance. And remember folks: MERRY CHRISTMAS, SUCKERS!  
  
*Snake begins to play on his banjo, while the inflatable Satan dressed like Santa floats by.*  
  
MERRRY CHRISTMAS SUCKERS (Who cares if it's Summer, ROCK ON WITH EXTREME VENGEANCE!) 


End file.
